The incubator

Professor Struth had waited a long time for this day.

“They laughed at me in the institute. Laughed at me.  AT ME!!!!!”

Now it was time and soon the world would know their folly in underestimating his genius.

He had, ahem, acquired the sperm of a criminally insane murderer doing a life sentence.

His decision to use a ten thousand pound gorilla as mother was inspired.

Struth was convinced that these two were close enough to breed and he was correct.

Once impregnated it just sat in the corner and didn’t say much, but he was always aware of its presence.

He was betrayed by a colleague and the ethics council had rescinded his licence to work in the field of genetics.

And they said he was mad!

Ha!

However, it wouldn’t have worked without the new type of incubator.

That was the key in all of this.

It was a cultural womb.

That was his breakthrough discovery.

Dodgy DNA just wasn’t going to make what he imagined.

The carefully selected genetics weren’t enough to fashion this creature.

His creature!

The music of Ulster flute bands was piped into the sealed unit.

He knew this could cause hearing damage, but it wasn’t in his plan that this creature would do much listening anyway.

Contained within this artificial womb he would nurture his baby Billy Boy.

Struth pumped in a unique food supply comprised of cheap lager and liquidised burgers.

Growth would be rapid due to the infusion of more steroids than in the Loyalist wings at Long Kesh.

It was important that no intellectual distraction or moral dilemma be allowed to contaminate the controlled environment.

The creature would come ready made with a series of responses that would appear inexplicable to ordinary humans.

The thing was shown images of Catholics Schools, Priests, Celtic, but most of all NEIL LENNON!

Each time an electric shock would be administered.

Concepts like tolerance, pluralism, and a benevolent curiosity in other people and other cultures would be anathema to this creation.

He knew his creature would be perfect.

This one was a prototype, but it could be programmed to hate any ethnic minority they just had to change the toxic mix in the incubator.

Soon he would have a modern production facility capable of churning out thousands of them.

No!

Millions!

Once cloned his beast could be exported to any regime that wanted to inflict chaos on a neighbour.

This was a truly horrible weapons system.

Sending several thousands of these hybrids into a city would paralyse it for days.

Suddenly and without warning policemen would be attacked for no discernible reason and normal riot control methods wouldn’t work.

Rubber bullets would simply be lost in the rolls of blubber.

The creature had been designed to have wrists so fat that they would be too thick for a regulation police handcuffs.

Even police dogs would contract diseases if they got their teeth into them.

The creature was also a platform for chemical warfare.

It had urine that was so toxic that when deployed in public places, like war memorials, it could spoil an entire city.

Struth had a contact in the Spanish interior ministry who wanted to stage a riot control exercise and use the system in Barcelona.

The professor was convinced that when it came to asymmetrical warfare his creature would have no equal.

The illiterate, drunken, urinating brain dead rioter would define urban combat in the 21st century.

In the age of the smart bomb his creature would now allow a commander to deploy weapons grade stupidity onto the modern battle space.

The thing had a microchip inserted into the back of its thick neck.

This meant that a rudimentary message could be sent at the same time to thousands of them

The communication could not be complex, but basic information could be processed.

This allowed many of them to be deployed using simple commands from one person of only average intelligence.

It was perfect!

The Hybrid Unique Networked System would make Struth famous.

Due to a lack of funds the professor had been forced to adapt a large wheelie bin, but it did the job.

To keep out the outside world he was forced to wrap the incubator in bin bags, the umbilical cord the exhaust pipe from an old ford transit.

The pygmies at the university had cut his funding, but he would show them!

Ha!

Once this creature would be seen in action then the contracts and the orders would roll in.

It was now time, because if he left it in there any longer then the creature would be too big to get out of the incubator.

Using a block and tackle on the roof he pulled on the rope.

The plastic womb was tipped over, the bin bags were split open and sludge ran out all over the garage floor.

The huge creature was revealed to the world and it rolled out and rolled and rolled.

It was only stopped by the garage wall and it started to stumble to its feet.

Agility and grace was not part of the design specification of Struth’s creature.

The huge hulking abomination then stumbled towards the professor.

It opened its large mouth and the smell hit the scientist like a slap.

Struth stared and trembled slightly in awe of what he had created.

Finally it spoke:

“We are the people!”

95 thoughts on “The incubator

  1. puggy67

    Phil – I like your writing but I think this is beneath you, I have them marching past my flat every Saturday but I regard them as victims of UK government propaganda that promoted anti-Irish/catholic policies at a time when WW1 limited their ability to cope with the dual threat of socialism and Irish republicanism. They were encouraged to think they were the people so the establishment could keep pissing on us all from a high height. We all have a go at them from time to time but let’s face it it’s like kicking a small dog.

    Reply
  2. Chris C

    What a weird read, I’m more used to your serious stuff but this is light hearted and quirky. Can see why it has been taken the wrong way, find it funny how those (and there are plenty) who spout abuse and yet get annoyed and want to make complaints when something lightheartedly is wrote about them. Free speech is a fundamental of a free society, is it a coincidence that those who don’t want a free society have stopped this….I think not!

    Reply
  3. TangerineBarSteward

    Ah the Sun – what an absolute joke of a rag. Didn’t we all move on years ago? Personally, I wouldn’t be surprised if most of its reader base resides within the stands at Govan – how else could it survive? And how else could The People’s club survive? Oh wait, it didn’t, did it? What a shame for Scotland’s shame!

    Reply
  4. pedro

    btw, I appreciate your work and I get the satire. I’m out of touch with the MSM in Scotland so can’t comment on that but I’d be surprised if anyone was defending the attitude of the worst Rangers fans. The point I was making was that in my working class experience both sets of fans are as bad as each other. The indiscriminate demonisation of Rangers and there fans must stop. I’ve got no problems either with what is valid in a culture. The republican Irish catholic traditions at Celtic make the club great and unique. It might be worth noting that Unionism and protestantism can also have a place in Scottish society. I find it astonishing that Celtic fans should feel morally or righteously superior over Rangers fans in my experience. Great things are happening at Rangers but still the hate flows and from whom? The innocent victims? I think not.
    cheers

    Reply
    1. Fortuné's

      pedro-
      “defending the attitidude of the worst Rangers fans”? Do you include Donald Findlay QC amongst that group, or is he one of the good ones? Your whataboutery posts here reek themselves of the same mentality that “defends the attitude of the worst Rangers fans”. Being a good Rangers fan yourself, you must have been aware of the sectarian signing policy full enforced up to only 20 years ago? Or are you too young to remember that? Aye, some institution the glorious Glasgow Sevco.

      Reply
    2. pedro

      The reply function isn’t working so I’m reposting in response to Fortune’s reply (8th sept) to pedro. Eh! Whataboutery posts? No, I wouldn’t include Donald Findlay and no fan would support a sectarian signing policy. Waddell said he would sign a catholic in the 60’s and most fans would have welcomed that. The fans didn’t create any signing policy. You’re missing my point. I’m not sure what your experience is but what I am saying is the worst Rangers fans and the worst Celtic fans have more in common than they’d like to admit. You’d be more likely scarred for life or violently assaulted than offended by any sectarian views or songs they might sing but then again maybe your experience is different from mine. I’d like to think Phil new he was pushing the envelope with this article but I don’t know. Maybe he doesn’t know many decent Rangers fans. He’s already responded stating this wasn’t about the majority of Rangers fans. The worst songs and attitudes relate to a very small minority, same for celtic. FTP and UVF chants and the like aren’t acceptable in my company. Is it ok to sing Provo songs in celtic company? I’d like to think some of your support would be uncomfortable with that. God luck to anyone who would try and defend the “worst” elements of “Old firm” culture. Also to tar an entire support with the worst mentality of the minority isn’t fair. Decente Rangers fans have had enough.

      Reply
  5. ali mclauchlan

    As a Rangers I fan i didn’t find this particularly offensive nor worthy of the Sun’s cancellations.

    then again i don’t consider myself as one these incubatees being an anti-royal,no-religious, Scottish nationalist and support Rangers because of the colour of their shirt.It was the way i was raised.

    I don’t sing those songs in Ibrox or elsewhere and don’t feel any sense of camaraderie with those who do.

    We are not all alike the knuckle-dragging bigots who pollute the Scottish game: on both sides. I hope you appreciate that.

    Some of us just like football…and that’s it.

    I don’t but the Sun and never will but i will probably buy the book when i get back home.

    keep up the good work

    ali

    Reply
    1. Phil Mac Giolla BhainPhil Mac Giolla Bhain Post author

      Cheers Ali.
      My analysis of RFC fans in the book makes it quite clear that there is a sub-culture around the Ibrox club.
      It is not all RFC fans nor even most of them.
      However, fearful of circulation problems the MSM hasn’t called them out for various things.

      Reply
  6. pedro

    As a youth in Glasgow I heard many Celtic fans and catholics spewing hate of the same nature as the Rangers fans and protestants. It was the same stuff, borne of class deprivation and ignorance. i never made any distinction between technically sectarian slurs pro terrorist chants or whatever from either side of the divide. It was all the same, a mindless minority of haters that supported both old firm teams. Its still apparent today on both sides.

    Reply
  7. John Mitchell

    The Scottish Sun have completely bottled this in the most cowardly fashion possible, and have hidden behind the same old card that many others do in this tiny backwater of a country, bigotry! It’s disgusting, and it stinks, and all because they have no spine!

    Reply
  8. MartinT

    I can’t believe the editor of the Scottish Sun is calling this posting “bigotry” – the entire rationale (as he must surely know) is that it is AGAINST bigotry. British literature has a long tradition of this, going back to Jonathan Swift. I’m not saying this is necessarily in the same league, although I enjoyed this posting myself, but it’s AIM is very clear – to ridicule bigotry. I certainly wouldn’t read it as being against Rangers fans in general – only against those of them who happen to be bigots; many of them aren’t of course, though sadly the support is tainted by those who are – the solution should be not to shoot the messenger, but vigorously weed out bigotry in all its form. I hope the Scottish Sun is now subject to a boycott by all those Scots who dislike the cowardly decision of its editor – a wee sleekit timorous cowr’ing beastie, if I remember my Burns.

    Reply
    1. TheBlackKnight

      The Sun and its readership are hardly literary giants…… surprised they know what the French is for bigotry ;)

      Reply
  9. Laughing Tim

    If this upsets them, just wait until they read the book.
    I have ordered it on Amazon, £8.99 estimated delivery 13-15 September. Looking forward to it, keep up the pressure Phil.

    Reply
  10. deano67

    And this is what the Sun reckon is sectarian? Your brand of honest journalism, of which there is NO predecessor comes near, is what this country is crying out for, too long have we been fed what they want us to swallow, you are a genuine inspiration to future generations of not only journalists but real people of how it is possible to be open and truthful, I personally think the stance the Sun took over this is horrendous and I will never glance in its direction again. Thank you Phil, you have opened my eyes to how things should be done, keep the faith and best wishes YNWA.

    Reply
  11. bobby craig

    This type of work helps to maintain the biggots in our game the onesided idoits thsat spoil the game and promote biggortary in our lives we could do without this type of comments not impressed at all

    Reply
  12. Gert/canada

    …k sake Phil. I thought you had actually infiltrated the order. Scared the shit out me . Duethink that could realy happen.A mean if they could create that they could create guys like Dodie Peat and his likes and corupt the whole of Scottish Fitba, worse still they could make guys like A……e Salmond and corupt Scottish society. Thank F..K i live in Canada.

    Reply
  13. Shiltrum

    Hi Phil

    If you ever write a book about the shenanigans I have a title for you “The Edmidston Incubator”.

    Hail Hail

    Reply
  14. RodStewartDowmUnder

    Phil, I really enjoy your commentary and you weave of current affairs past or present withe the plight and historics of da bears. Fair doos an aw that.
    Heres lookin forward; my thoughts on the non future of the Gers is as below

    Move on guys. Why waste time on the in/out bidders.

    D & D will speachify that the delays were down to the authorities proposed change of rules and the in out in out hokey kokey of interested parties, as they D&D tried to get best results for creditors.
    Liquidation is just round the not so big corner.

    Can we consider. . . . what then/now?

    This will effectivly be a “Start Up Company” with parachute or not.

    Premises, players, permission, position.

    Extended legals disputes re “ownership” of Murray Park & Ibrox; Whytes claim on these wont go unchallenged. Will D&D/HMRC/Ticketus not challenge . . . . ?

    ONCE resolved, will we be looking at a Newco rental of Ibrox , , , , and if Ibrox,how affordable will that be . . . with proposed/yet to be voted plans of SPL entry penalties or start up Newco in division 3.

    What historic customers will be retained when possibly looking up the ladders of the various divisions. The bravado to date of “we dont walking away” will be seriously tested

    With liquidation, the current players will be free agents. Transfer and wages budget will be limited.

    Higher earners, now not affordable, will disappear.

    A team of free signings? Would other teams consider loans deals?

    What sponsors will hang “Their Brand” on this new peg?

    With no Euro income, passports will be gathering dust or brought out for two weeks in the Canaries.

    What pre-payment of PAYE/VAT demands will there be from HMRC

    Perhaps question is not even liquidation . . it may be the cost of climbing through the scottish leagues.

    It may be affordability.

    For the money men/man, Newco fan or not, there will be thoughts regarding profitability.

    The Question is . . . . . Will there be a Newco

    Others her have posted that they have never came across a Rangers supporter that wasnt a bigot.

    I cannot agree with this. As a sheep shagging proddy from Turriff in Aberdeenshire, my team has always been Celtic. For me the religious divide is most apparent in Glasgow and in Ireland. In earlier days the Rangers and Celtic supporters of Kirkcudbright, Castle Douglas & Dalbeattie – South West Scotland – travelled in the same bus to Old Firm games. For sure there was a rivalry but the bitterness i found later on when staying in the central belt just wasnt there.

    I enjoy yer stuff, but for the non bigotted supporter, please correct my spelling, the INCUBATOR is a tad OTT and perhaps promotes the bitterness – non all will see it as satire, with due reason perhaps.

    In my opinion Catholic, proddy, black, white, tory, labour. . . . there is good guys amongst them all. . . I`ve seen them.

    Manys a happy time oor the water – the most welcoming people in the world dee Irish. Ye can gan in tae a pub in Dublin wi nae money in yer pocket, come oot fleein and made many friends.

    The old hoose is crumbling . . . hang back a bit fae takin the pish too much . . . there are some regular enough guys that took a seat at Ibrox

    Reply
    1. George Collins

      Yes, but it’s the mindset as a collective.

      I’m sure plenty of past Rangers players were decent, but why didn’t they bang down their bosses doors to ask why Catholics weren’t allowed to play for them.

      The same goes for newspaper (and other industries) men. Why didn’t they all chin their managers for having application forms that discriminated against Catholics?

      Clearly there are nice people out there but they need to stand up and be counted.

      And that’s why we’re so eager to see the back of them; with Rangers out of the picture we could look forward (hopefully) to a society based on tolerance and respect.

      Reply
  15. SamBrowneBelt

    Padraig, I’m not advocating an eye for an eye. Surely you can only forgive those who seek forgiveness? I see no-one apologising, only an increase in their animosity, and a deepening of their own hatred. No-one has even had the humility to say sorry for the multi-million debts they’ve built up and which will now, hopefully, strangle them.
    You can love them if you like, I’d rather not. I don’t hate them, but I do find them offensive in the extreme, and I would prefer that they just disappeared.
    Please don’t draw any similarities between Rangers and Celtic supporters.

    Reply
  16. Padraig O'Murnane

    Sambrownbelt, An eye for an eye makes us all blind.(Ghandi) If that Chapel you were in while the Bigot Bands boomed past taught you anything it was surely, in the words of Jesus to forgive your enemies? To love them? Or at worst rise above their base ignorance. I love Celtic, my family are steeped in Ireland and in Republicanism but do I want Celtic to become ‘Green Huns’ replete with IRA songs and petty hate. No way, if that mentality won, I’d never set foot in P’Head again. Celtic are one love for many kinds of people. Love Celtic, hate no one.

    Reply
  17. Len McCoy

    In an ideal and fair world, Rangers FC could avoid liquidation or a CVA by honouring all of its debts and pay back the £134million in full at £10m per season over 13 years. Failure to repay £10m in any given year should result in another £2m being added to the bill. Now that would be pretty fair and reasonable.

    On top of that, every trophy won since the EBT scheme was introduced would be wiped from the record books. That’s the only way that Rangers could emerge from this mess and retain any shred of dignity. Anything else is simply dodging their legal, moral and ethical responsibilities.

    Reply
  18. SamBrowneBelt

    Sorry, what was I thinking? For forty years I’ve had to listen to them, singing about being up to their knees in my blood. I’ve been asked what school I went to. I’ve been asked what team I support by people I’ve met for the first time. I’ve heard their bands of hate march past my chapel, and their filthy bile being directed at us. I’ve heard them in their tens of thousands, singing about the famine, the Pope, the martyrs of the Hunger Strike, the taigs, the tarriers, the tattie-pickers, the unwashed.
    Schadenfreude? Absolutely. May their pain be long and deep, and relieved only by death.

    Reply
  19. Scozzzie

    Monday should be an easy day for Duff and Duffer.
    Are the assets worth more than£11.2m????
    If the answer is ‘yes’, then bring out the liquidiser! …..unless HRMC direct them to go for a creditors liquidation!’n

    Reply
  20. Len McCoy

    Bill Miller’s bid to buy Rangers for £11.2m is dependent on the SPL dropping their investigation into illegal contracts and not punishing wrong doing with points deductions or titles stripped or demotion to a lower division. That’s corruption! If the SPL agree to this blackmail then its game over as Scottish football will be seen to be totally bent.

    The guy is just a chancer. If he plans to revive the old club then that means they should still owe HMRC and all the other old debts. If he wants to liquidate Rangers then that means losing all the history of the old club. You can’t have it both ways!

    OLD CLUB = OLD DEBT.
    NEW CLUB = NO HISTORY.

    Having all these conditions to escape punishment is his get out clause because when they are rightly denied, he’ll walk away and blame everyone else. Let’s face it, Rangers don’t deserve any future at all unless they pay back every single penny they owe – and that could be as much as £134,000,000. Failing that then they should just disappear off the face of the Earth forever.

    Reply
  21. Big Mike

    Excellent article very funny but very true. In all my years I have not met a Rangers supporter who was not a bigot. Very sad, and will be glad to see them expire.

    Reply
  22. roythebhoy

    I should add that I first met the gorillas away back in 1981 outside “The Greatest Pub in the World” so Prof Struth was indeed a “Pioneer”
    At the Louden lights, 1975 Ford Capri, me and three other teenagers inside, including one female. One gorilla slashes the tyre, we pull into back street to change the wheel. Three gorilla’s (with norn accents) follow follow us and set about us with half bricks. We survived due to our youthful fitness and choice of footwear and had our injuries tended to by the first aiders at Celtic Park (we didn’t want to miss the match as well)
    At least I learned about the beast early in my Celtic career and have managed to spot their habitats early since then and have avoided without too much interface.

    Reply
  23. jakeyrollin

    Sits fine with me Phil. They are truly dreadful human beings. I actually had the misfortune to overhear two on a train recently and their logic is seriouly flawed. They are a deluded breed. The sooner that team folds the better.

    Reply
  24. Padraig O'Murnane

    Not your best work Phil, dripping with sarcasm and an unhealthy schadenfreude. You are in danger of pandering to the lowest common denominator among the Scottish-Irish community. Much better when you stick to factual reportage on the nuts and bolts of Rangers demise or the excellent illumination of sectarianism and racism which blights sectors of Scotland’s society. Remember the Celtic community have thier share of fools and knaves, best to highlight them too and avoid the charge of selective vision/hearing. One efinition of bias is: ‘To see the best in your own and the worst in the other’ You slip into that mode on occasion.

    Reply
  25. roythebhoy

    If you have ever sat in your car at the traffic lights outside the LOUDen Tavern you could be forgiven for thinking that it was the incubator.
    It did it for me Phil. I can relate!

    Reply
  26. steviebhoy

    Phil do our friends in the US know of their compatriot Mr Miller’s project with the Struth beast and the incubator?

    Read your piece Vavel earlier, i think the US should be your next port of call. They have to know what Mr Miller is nurturing.

    Well done again Phil, keep up the great work

    Reply
  27. Minty

    Hi Phil,

    I wouldn’t usually comment on your site but felt I had to on this.

    I admire your work on the Rangers situation, but stuff like this just makes me feel uncomfortable. I can’t laugh at stuff like this when some of my family are Rangers fans.

    Banter is banter. But you’re unfairly painting a group of people as sub-human and degrading them for the amusement of others.

    Sorry, it’s not for me.

    Reply
  28. chris

    A few dour sods don’t have much of a sense of humour phil, although I don’t think u made it up, there’s plenty of them about and that would explain why they have no dads. As for v “work for me” no wonder with patter from property ladder! V
    V

    Reply
  29. Rod

    Hybrid Unique Networked System, works for me, its nice to start the day with a coffee and a chuckle.

    Good work old bhoy.

    Reply
  30. colshbhoy

    Haha psml your a comic genius phil its always the ones that are to close to the bone that are the best god bless youkeep up the good work.

    Reply
  31. lltfoa67

    Yeah appreciate that and read all your articles and thoroughly enjoy them. Can’t find the right words to explain it but this one just didn’t sit right with me. As you say maybe didn’t have satire head on!! Will read again tomorrow. Keep up the fab work.
    HH

    Reply
  32. lltfoa67

    Phil for all I had a chuckle at this and nearly peed myself at the statement today I just don’t think this article was the best you have done. Understand that you get unwarranted abuse from some morons but just feel you lowered your standards here slightly. Not as low as them mind you.
    HH & GBNL

    Reply
    1. George Collins

      Satire’s not to everyone’s liking, Phil.

      Some may feel you have over-egged the pudding, that you’re preaching to the converted.

      Not me.

      It’s like Angus Deayton said, when being told that sarcasm was the lowest form of wit, “it’s also the funniest”.

      Reply
  33. Patbhoy

    Great stuff as usual Phil.Had a right good old fashioned chuckle to myself whilst reading it. One of your most innovative pieces yet.I indulged in a bit of masochism tonight and read some comments on FF. Long time since doing it through a Tim friend who joined up some time ago as a lurker.

    You are not their favourite person,probably just behind St Neil Lennon in the amount of abuse and vile comment dished out by these sub human creeps.

    Let’s be honest we are all biased towards our football teams and dislike our rivals.However, I would find it hard to believe that there are a bigger bunch of vile,obnoxious,hate filled fans anywhere else on the planet.

    All of these comments moderated by a large rotund chap who is never off the TV giving his opinion on all things financial re Rangers. Very soon though,all the sound bites and cliches will be redundant.

    The big Hoose must stay open,and that’s the bottom line,We don’t do walking away (my favourite),The Bloo Nights have taken a step back and now Miller “putting the heart of the club into an incubator company”

    Not sure what he intends to do with the other body parts of the club,though I have a few suggestions for him.

    Keep up the good work and Hail Hail

    The Liquidator Cometh very soon

    Reply
  34. wastrel

    what may be lost on anyone reading that is the terrifying reality of it, I once tried to exit a tube train at Ibrox after an old firm game (Butcher & the goalie became criminals after the court case) I was punched kicked & spat on for my audacity??
    Truly, a horrible, horrible tribe of subhumans!

    Reply
  35. Scozzzie

    Struth mate!
    Phil that was funny but nowhere near s funny as Millers statement!
    What a start! His first statement full of spin and lies. Brilliant. He obviously thinks all Scots are stupid.
    There is no incubator -only a NewCo. The patient left behind is a terminal husk with no chance of recovery as it has no assetts and a mountain of debt.
    It would go into a creditors liquidation (Miller spin- no full liquidation) and HMRC gets to take legal action against the past 13 Rangers Directors. Win win for Miller and HMRC.
    Tilt -game over.

    Reply
    1. Phil Mac Giolla BhainPhil Mac Giolla Bhain Post author

      Agreed. Miller’s statement was comedy gold.
      However when he used the “incubator” analogy I had to do this thing…

      Reply
  36. JD

    Phil
    Superb ,can you clarify if the incubator was correctly put in a blue wheely bin as to a green wheely ,the difference is, well you know what can bring superman down.

    Reply
    1. greenstrawman

      You’ve poisoned the well that most drink at. Glad you seem so happy about that. It’s finished and you just want others to feel the pain.

      Reply
  37. Mouldy67

    Phil very funny story

    Sadly many if the elements of the story are sadly true

    I wonder if liquidation becomes the anecdote OR does the pied piper come along next

    Reply
  38. The Wallace

    Some years ago, my father and I had reason to drive down Easter Road in Edinburgh just after 5:00 pm one Saturday evening. Surmising that most of the away supporters would be long on their way to their local mudholes for good old wallow (their team had won), imagine our surprise when we found out the police had decided to hold the huns at the football park until the Hibs fans could be dispersed.On entering Easter Road the coast seemed clear,it was quiet,too damned quiet, only the occasional rozzer.
    All at once the hordes began issuing from every opening, taking no heed of the traffic or pedestrians, they literally swept everything in front of them and trampling all the rest under foot. Our small 8 cwt van was swallowed up quicker than a blink.They spat on the windscreen until you could not see clearly and as the crowd got thicker we were completely overwhelmed, by the way we were wearing no colours whatsoever there was not even the slightest provocation. This is no exageration,they started walking over the van bonnet,onto the roof and down the back.We could see nothing the crowd was that tight that the greasers so lovingly applied by their mates were wiped off by every arsehole who slammed, slapped and clambered over the vehicle. This woke our wee collie dog which was enjoying a snooze in the back. He jumped into the front seat with us quaking with terror but barking as manfully as any collie could master. There were threats of consuming dog raw and sexually molesting it (do not ask me in which order these actions were to occur). To cut a long story, these orcs or morlocks, actually reminded me more of the insect creatures in the ‘Space Trooper’ films.All these mindless cockroaches controlled from behind the scenes by big, fat and bloated pieces of jellied blubber. If you have not seen the movies watch the resemblences are remarkable.

    Reply
  39. john hughes

    phil,that is so near the truth its scary,oh please let us be rid these monsters for ever,so that our children can sleep safely and not have nightmares,god bless,keep on digging.

    Reply
  40. EMCEEOLLI

    Terrific work again sir! For the analogy, Frankenstien had no choice in his destiny. The Orc, however was planned to perfection, till now………………he will say “WATP” We will say as a family “NO” 50 years of Why??? Again, lottery numbers!

    Reply
  41. Craig D

    That was funny!

    He knew this could cause hearing damage, but it wasn’t in his plan that this creature would do much listening anyway.

    The anti-culture indeed!

    If Tolkien was still alive to have read that, I have no doubt he’d amend the first words of each newly created Uruk Hai to ‘we are the people’.

    Reply
  42. Michael Starrs

    Your finest piece yet Phil, Like all great comedy and horrors rooted in reality. Time for the monster to die!

    Reply
  43. cavanbhoy

    I remember the first time I seen one of these creatures. It was in larne harbour 1988 I was terrified I thought we were on another.planet now I know we were. Ha Ha Phil great piece of
    faction.

    Reply
  44. Dhougal

    Brill Phil ( thats th new name) i’m now too scared to go out ,in case i meet Stig o th dump,thank god they’re dying off and wi a bit o luck they’ll become sterile !! YNWA

    Reply
  45. smurfbhoy

    ‘Struth!? Would that be,
    “We Welcome The Chase, but we don’t welcome Catholics into our Football Club” – Bill Struth c. 1934
    or
    A mixed drink invented by Dulcimer Dave at an 18th century reenactment consisting of 2 parts butterscotch schnapps, 1 part hazelnut liquer, and 1 part cheap rum. Be Careful!! (thought you said it was cheap lager?)
    or
    A combination of the words “story” and “truth.” This word is used in reference to a story that is, in fact, true.
    KEEP DIGGING PHIL, THE STRUTH IS OUT THERE!

    Reply
  46. Curly

    Phil,

    I thought when reading teh first few lines that this was going to be your funniest article ever, but then I realised that this is the honest, naked, oh so real, truth.

    I am now chilled to the bone, this ranks alongside Psycho and The Exorcist.

    H x 2

    Yurcl

    Reply
  47. Fexca

    Brilliant Phil, I could actually see this unfold like in a film……..lets hope this bile can be washed out of our society for good,hail, hail

    Reply
  48. Scott McAuley

    If your looking for an advance I’ll give you it now if this book can be on amazon before liquidation day?

    Reply
  49. dunkybhoy67

    Brilliant Phil, im sure i’ve seen a good few of these monsters in bridgeton. big,fat,ugly,stupid & bigoted. The death of their beloved team is the least those scum deserve. And i can’t wait till it happens. HAIL HAIL.

    Reply
  50. brunobhoy

    Yep, Phil, I reckon that you are ready for that holiday. Its been a long haul and you need a rest now.

    Reply
  51. pricecelt

    What happens if the incubator causes a mutation like in the fly and turns then into civilised people ??

    Reply
  52. George Collins

    ” …And with that, Struth knew that his creation was truly born.”

    Phil, that is the quickest and best idea you’ve formulated yet.

    Reply
  53. Dougie

    Well done Phil – I enjoyed that :)

    It’s now really looking all over isn’t it?

    One bidder with conditions – ‘must stay in SPL and no points deduction’ – not a hope in hell.

    Reply

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